Donald Trump Picks Sweet Potatoes

President out to show the world that Americans can do farmwork

I know from years of reporting that, without foreign farmworkers in the US—many of whom are undocumented—Americans will pay a lot more for food and farms will not have enough workers. If you’re interested in reading my investigative pieces, they may be found in In These Times; Commonweal Magazine; and La Jornada del Campo.

Anyway, here’s another installment in La Cebolla, my satirical Substack section.

After announcing his plans for mass deportations, President Donald Trump vowed to show the world that those millions of deported farmworkers won't be missed. He arrived early on Thursday morning on a Virginia farm where a crew was preparing to harvest sweet potatoes.

"I'm here in Virginia," President Trump announced to reporters. "And yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. If you're still wondering. Great guy, Santa. Mrs. Claus, too. Great, big, beautiful people. I'm here to show the world that we don't need illegals. Americans can harvest food. All this fake news about how without illegals, Americans will starve. Nonsense. Fake news. Any food, any time. Better than Mexicans. Or Ukrainians, even. Sweet potatoes. That's today's harvest. Gonna change the name. From now on, American Potatoes. We invented them. Lotta people don't know that. It was Lincoln invented them. Or maybe Washington. No. Wait. He invented peanuts. Or maybe that was Jimmy Carter. One of them did."

A reporter asked if the 78 year old president really thought he was up to the task. "Hey," he said. "Worked at McDonald's didn't I? Love those burgers. Great bunch of people, those McDonald’s. Very, very clean. Great, big, beautiful burgers."

Before starting, President Trump announced there would be a competition. "See who can harvest the most. Little competition. Loser buys dinner. And you know I'm never a loser. Never. Never lost anything. Never lost an election. Look it up. Anyone says otherwise, fake news! I got Eric here, Don, Jr., Bobby Kennedy. Great teeth, Bobby. All those Kennedys. Great, big, beautiful teeth."

As President Trump stood at the top of a row, he tried to engage fellow workers in conversation but no one seemed to understand what he was saying.

"Any of you people speak American?" he yelled.

"I do, dad."
"Shut up Eric!" Trump shouted. "I wasn't talking to you. Guess they only speak Mexican."

Don Jr. quickly jumped in front once the harvest started. "Get the hell behind me, you idiot," Trump called out. "I'll cut you out of my will! Gone. Nothing for you." As Don Jr. took a position behind the president, Trump whispered to an aide, "He doesn't know I already have. Idiots. All my kids. Except Ivanka. Beautiful. Not real bright, maybe, but beautiful. Great figure. Voluptuous. That's a France word for beautiful."

When told that workers are paid a piece rate of forty cents a bucket, Trump said, "That's like a couple hundred pesos for a Mexican. That's what they call their money. Pesos. That’s Mexican for ‘dollar.’ Couple hundred. I've always been good at mathematics. Lotta money for a Mexican. Fill one bucket, feed their whole family for a week. Two buckets, have a party. Fiestas they call them. Fiestas. That's Mexican for ‘party’."

Trump was seen gesturing to12 year old Inez Acosta and immediately after, a reporter noticed that his bucket was full. This led to speculation that the 12 year old had given him her harvested potatoes. When asked if this was so, Trump shouted, "Fake news!"

After handing in his bucket, Trump collected his pay. "Forty cents. Good day's work. Loved the work. Love it. Fresh air. Like to see Sleepy Joe Biden do this. Or Jimmy Kimmel. Terrible show. Terrible show Kimmel's got. No one watches anymore. And I won. Picked more than anyone. Faster than everyone. Even Bobby. He's a Kennedy, you know. Great teeth, by the way. That's how you can tell a Kennedy. Great, big, beautiful teeth. Like them Britains. Love to stay but can't. Gotta sign more executive orders. Lots to do. Always busy."

When the day’s work was done, the president took a moment to pose with the crew of farmworkers, pushing his way to the front. When Inez Acosta approached, he yelled for a Secret Service agent. "Get her away from me. Probably brought in a disease. Haven't decided which one yet. They all bring disease. That's a fact. Drugs, too. She has big calves. That’s how you can tell. Another fact. Look it up." He turned to Kristi Noem, his pick to head DHS said, "OK. We're done here. Deport her. All of them."

As Trump was getting in his limo, Acosta cried out to him, "You asked me for my sweet potatoes! You said you would give me the money!"

"Democrats," he said. "Everywhere. Can't stand losing. More fake news!" He turned to Kennedy. "C'mon, Bobby. We're going to McDonald's. You're gonna love it. By the way, great teeth you got. You Britain? Don, get the hell out of my limo. Loser. Call an Uber. See ya at McDonald's. You're paying." Trump looked at the forty cents in his hand. "Couple hundred pesos. Not too shabby."